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The post where I ramble…

November 3, 2010

Courtney K. is hosting a 30 Days of Truth series on her blog where you are asked one question to blog about from a list of 30.  I’m not too sure about all of the questions and can’t promise that I’ll blog about each one, but the first one really brought up alot of feelings.

The first question is “What is something you hate about yourself.”  Now, realizing that I am “fearfully and wonderfully made” in the eyes of God, I really shouldn’t hate myself at all.  As I learned this past Sunday, that’s like saying to God “what you made isn’t good enough in my eyes.”  Ow.

But I often fall into the temptation of a low view of myself…

Jack (or Jane) of all trades, master of none.

That’s what I feel like most days.  I feel I do alot of things somewhat well but don’t really excel in much of anything.  That’s not meant to be a statement to gain sympathy or pity, but I’m just feeling it most days.  I mean, I do what I need to do (most of the time) with the hours that I have in the day.  And sometimes I feel like I can’t do more.  But then I get frustrated with myself because I don’t do things “perfectly” and maybe that’s why I switch to something else.

I’m really enjoying photography.  I love being creative.  I love documenting the lives of my family.  I love the editing process, even.  But I often feel like it’s hurried in order to post a blog entry or to link up to a photo meme.  On the flip side, those things motivate me to get done with it in the first place.  I’ve heard it said an artist sometimes never knows when to quit.  Not to say I claim to be an artist, but I know the feeling when I paint or when I take a photo and then try to make it better in Photoshop.  I feel like maybe if I just add a bit more or just make different adjustments, or if I even KNEW which adjustments to make, I might be happier with the end product.

I’m trying to enjoy the process.  I’ve been so focused all my life on perfection and achieving a perfect result that I often overlook the beauty that happens in the time being.  In some of the moments that I’ve been shooting, it’s almost like I can hear God saying “appreciate this moment” or “look at the beauty that I’ve placed around you.”

What is the point to this rambling (see, there I go again trying to get an “end result”)?  Hmmm…. let me make a list.

1. I like blogging, photography, scrapbooking, singing, mothering, homeschooling, crafting, homemaking, decorating, painting but somehow feel that I am lacking in each of these areas.

2. I know there’s no such thing as perfection, except for Jesus, yet I continue to place myself in that standard.

3. I really feel a sense of… dare I say it… envy when I see or hear of people that have definite goals in mind.  A dream that they’ve made happen.  A dream that they’re working towards.

4. I know I spent many years praying for God to show me who He wanted me to be as I was trying to choose a profession.  I have a nursing degree and was an RN in labor and delivery for only one short year before panic attacks scared me away from that.  That’s still a pretty painful part of my life, but I still hold that against myself as something else I didn’t see to completion.

5. I really don’t want to pass this on to my kids… I want them to know that it’s okay to make mistakes.  It’s okay if you’re not perfect and still trying to figure things out.  But I have to lead by example, right?

So there it is… a truth about me.  Boy, that was cathartic.

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4 Comments leave one →
  1. November 3, 2010 9:15 am

    Wow. Talk about baring the soul, huh? That had to be tough to put out there for the world to see and I admire you for it.

    And I’ll also say that you are NOT alone. I see so much of myself in this post. As a matter of fact, I believe that phrase “Jack of all trades, master of none” is even in my profile. I fall madly and deeply in love with an art form or a craft or ___________ (you may fill in the blank) and I go hog wild after it. That is, until I burn out. Or get frustrated. Or think it isn’t moving quickly enough. Etc. Etc. Etc.

    I have always lived my life in relationship to others. For instance, I married at 17 and became ‘wife’. Then I became ‘Mom’. Before that I was ‘the Mayor’s daughter’. I was never just ‘Kelli’ and never took a chance at becoming the Kelli I thought deep down I might be.

    Believe me, I understand this post. Very, very well.

    I have learned a few lessons along the way though. It seems that once I hit my 40s my eyes were opened to many things. I now give myself more of a chance and I’m more lenient with myself than I used to be. I’ve always been much harder on me than I would be with others. As if I didn’t deserve it. And nowadays I know I DO deserve it! I’ve had to draw the line with many people in my life and let them know that from now on, I matter. What I think or feel or say…it matters! It’s really a catch 22 because you have to cut yourself some slack in order to learn to love who you are and you have to learn to love who you are in order to cut yourself some slack.

    But JUST DO IT. You’re worth it. : )

  2. Missy Cowan permalink
    November 3, 2010 9:58 am

    Robin & Kelli – Wow~ thank you both for sharing. Both of your posts resonated with me.

  3. Jessica permalink
    November 3, 2010 12:51 pm

    Just wanted to say….You are one of the few moms i look up too:] Sometimes I catch myslef “mimicking” what I’ve seen from my mommy friends. You might think youu fall short and we all do, i think its the human in us but I admire you. As a new mommy I like to look and learn from you guys and be the best mommy I can be! :] Ps. Being perfect doesn’t mean the best…at least I think so! O yea photos a DEF a GREAT talent you have!!

  4. Sarah Copeman permalink
    November 3, 2010 3:24 pm

    Hey Robin, i always enjoy reading your posts and its funny how we moms are always more hard on ourselves than we should be. I have had a lot of different dreams and side trails that went nowhere along my journey too but ive always been able to say at some point.. aha! thats why i went through that! God has a beautiful way of weaving our lives together 🙂
    i just want to say too that from the moment you and William came to our church you’ve been an inspiration to me in a lot of ways. i admire your courage to get on stage and share your beautiful voice and ive always thought it was so great that you and Will do the music together, thats really special and inspiring to other couples. i think you are a ‘master’ of music 🙂 and an encouragement to others to share their gifts.

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